I think it was in my nature, to care for people and to enjoy that. I’ve done a lot of volunteering in my life and people often say ‘That’s so nice of you to do these things’… but I do it because I get joy out of it; it’s not selfless. I volunteer because it’s a rewarding experience for me. When I went into nursing- I remember having an instructor who said,
“You’re too sensitive- You’re too sensitive to be a nurse.”
I don’t think you can be too sensitive… I think that you just have to be very careful that you have barriers in the right places or that you learn how to process or compartmentalize some of the things you see. But I’ve met students who say the same thing to me, that they are sensitive too and I say, “I just think it makes you that much better of a nurse.” You just have to be very careful with it, if you’re someone who’s sensitive. Nurses are truly caring people. And I don’t think that you can be a great nurse if you don’t feel things strongly.
Now a clinical educator, Jessica has been nursing for 10 years.
“I always say to nursing students… the highs are high just as the lows are low in nursing. And that’s, I think why we do it.”
When I graduated, I took a new grad initiative because the first year of nursing, as we know, is a huge transition. A lot of people leave nursing the first year just because it’s basically such a scary time. So, there was the new grad initiative in which six months you work, and you’re paired with another experienced nurse. It was government funded- but it’s sad that it doesn’t exist anymore. I wanted to go into rehab or palliative care, but I ended up in complex care. I learned a lot there. And then shortly after I graduated, I was hired as a clinical instructor in the same program that I graduated from! I started doing that and then I began teaching labs… then I started doing some travel volunteering in hospitals and with Red Cross. My main job in complex care was accommodating this, so I kept it and then eventually I decided to take a big leap to work in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) – that was almost five years ago. During that time, I also applied for a Master of Science in Healthcare Quality. When I graduated from that, I applied for an educator position as a start-up for new hospital, not thinking I would necessarily get it and then I did get it! I just thought “I can’t really turn this down!” However, I am not ready to let go of working in ICU yet. I do love it, but I’m glad that I am there casually because I think those who are there full-time right now are struggling.
“I’m going to tell you a good one and a bad one because the bad ones stand out most in my mind…” My good story is about a patient that had COVID-19… my colleague and I provided care for the patient in the morning that he was declining. We came back that night and he was on dialysis. He had really declined, and everyone thought he was going to die- he had children. He was like that for days and calls to his family, who weren’t allowed in, were heart wrenching. So one night, I was assigned to care for him…and he had improved. The doctors wanted him extubated, and so we did. It was just the Respiratory Therapist (RT) and myself in the room, and after the tube was out the patient was looking at everyone watching from the window. The patient looked at me and I said, “you want to know why you’re here?” I explained he had Covid-19 and why the doctors and nurses were watching from the window- they couldn’t believe he had survived. He then said, “I want my kids.” And we found his phone in his belongings, the RT and I were in our big plastic respirators, and we charged it and video called his family. They all cried – he was crying – I was crying! Everyone was so scared thinking that he was going to die and then seeing that he became better…I think that the worst thing is that people know what the prognosis is with Covid, and they’re so awake and aware when they must be intubated.
“There’s really great things that happen in nursing and the more intense these things are – the more alive you feel.” – Jessica Gibson
I can remember nights, one of the nights that stood out in my head in ICU, a young woman who suffered a terrible accident – she was brain dead, and her partner wouldn’t leave her side. They had young children at home. We washed her hair and braided it so that she could smell and look nice for her family—for her death. And it’s those kinds of things I remember- being in that moment. The whole night, I’d be saying, “this is so sad.” “That is so sad,” knowing it was, but my body not allowing myself to feel it I just knew that it was sad, It’s so sad. Then I’d be driving into work like three days later, and a song would come on and I’d stop in my car, thinking about it, realizing the weight of that moment: preparing someone to say goodbye to their family. It’s an honour, truly a privilege to care for people –patients and families—in their greatest time of need Like there’s a handful of those situations where it was in the moment, I noticed that I’m not feeling it, but it would creep in later. And then the longer I was out of ICU, I started to feel smaller things more intensely, I guess. But I think having friends in nursing is really helpful because only those people truly understand what that feels like, but I also think getting completely away from it with other friends is really helpful too.
What has Covid-19 done to you emotionally and how has your life changed?
I do remember at the beginning of COVID-19 I was a bit grateful that I had work because I had an excuse to see people and share my anxieties about the unknowns…there was a message on the board every day that someone wrote – and I wish I’d taken pictures of it because they were inspiring quotes and it made you feel like we were in it together. I started getting emails from my dad, signed “Take care”, a subtle sign I knew he was worried about me going to work. I called him and told him “Dad, if I weren’t working in ICU right now, I’d be dying to be there. I’d be wishing I could help where it’s needed most. And now I don’t have to go to another country to volunteer, I can find adventure in my own city and be paid”. I’m not sure who I was trying to convince, but I did have moments that felt great being in a position to help and learn about a new disease and how to treat it, with a touch of adrenaline to push through. It was also really scary in the beginning, and I know it wasn’t only nurses who felt that way, but the anxiety was palpable in the unit at the beginning. There was a time that I would get tears in my eyes every time I saw ICU numbers climbing again, just feeling like my colleagues in ICU may not make it through another wave. People were leaving, retiring, going off on stress leave. It has shown the world how frail our healthcare system is, and I worry more for the future of healthcare now than COVID.
There are a lot of ways that nursing changes you, mostly for the better though I hope! I think nursing, in general, has made me definitely more assertive. I know that I was a student who was terrified someone would ask me a question, because I thought I had to know everything. One of the biggest messages I give students is that it looks worse if someone asks you something- you try to answer and you give them wrong information…or you muddle through it and you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. Instead of saying, “you know what- I’m not sure- let me find out for you” with confidence. It looks and feels better, and you are ensuring your patients and families get the most thorough responses. By doing this you are building trust! If you give yourself the right to just say, “I don’t know, but let me find out.” So that’s something that definitely has helped, admitting you don’t know with confidence.
Even within clinical teams, saying to the doctor, or the therapists, or pharmacists “Can you explain” and admitting you don’t understand, and being confident to ask for clarity. And while we’re on confidence (or if you can think of a better word), being able to admit your mistakes! Quickly and without hesitation… but in nursing, you aren’t just admitting them, you are in fact shouting it from the rooftops the minute you realize it, to the doctors, the nurses, anyone around you, whatever you have to make sure your mistake can be reversed or won’t harm your patient.
Assertiveness is a big one too – learning to be assertive, not out of anger, not as a fight, but just clear calm assertiveness. This was a life skill I had not mastered before nursing! But if you don’t learn this one quickly, you can get eaten alive from all angles!
Then, after the adrenaline wears off, you have to sit with it. Work through it in your mind, figure out where you went wrong, beat yourself up for a few days, question your entire career? Or MAYBE, realize that we are all human and make mistakes, and you chose a job with high stakes, and responsibility for human life minute by minute. Maybe you look at where something can be improved to make it safer for patients AND nurses… because even if the patient is not affected, I’d say most nurses are still. This is when you need friends in healthcare; they’ll tell you their mistakes an relive their horror with you, and you feel better. Doctors make mistakes too, and I’ve comforted a resident or two who’ve made mistakes.
“We’re all in it together!”
One thing I have been able to transfer to my life, is managing my worry, or call it anxiety. I’m still really good at worrying about the unknown, and catastrophizing! But as a student, you were constantly learning a new skill—first time bathing someone, first time putting a needle into someone, first time suctioning through a trach—and in a new environment through the many placements and many facilities with different instructors. I would stay up all night worrying, and the next day, the thing would happen, and just be over. Then I’d be facing the next. So, I decided the worry was worse than the actual event, and conquering those constant little challenges gave me confidence and the anxiety lessened over time. I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and facing each challenge and the rest took care of itself.
But what a great career, so much growth, and so many challenges, and opportunities to move around and try new things. And right now, you can pretty much work anywhere you want! And of course, have some of THE most rewarding moments! I’m not going to pretend the healthcare system isn’t very broken at the moment, but what do they say about hitting rock bottom? Maybe that’s what was needed to make some big changes to get back on the road to paradise.
