Ashley Cook is a Registered Practical Nurse (RPN)
She has been in health care for 18 years.
She has worked in long-term care and now in medicine/surgery for the last 14 years.
My aunt is a nurse I’ve always looked up to her and she had a huge influence on me. I worked in the kitchen at the hospital when I was 15 years old, and the hospital environment was exciting to me.
I just kept working in different departments kitchen, housekeeping, as a personal support worker, all the while I was saving money to go into nursing.
I have a severe medical condition that prevents me from working directly with Covid positive patients. But I was so fearful for my colleagues who may become infected. I recall during the third wave, where I worked a weekend of nights, and came back to work the following Thursday…
It was like a war zone and a bomb had gone off.
I felt very anxious and was very fearful. Not only did I fear for the safety of my colleagues, but also I feared that I may contract Covid and bringing it home to my young family.
I often felt guilty for not being able to provide direct patient care to Covid positive patients because I am immunocompromised.
I still carry that guilt with me and it is very hard to reconcile.
There were times when I was feeling unwell but did not call in due to the guilt of knowing if I had, my colleagues would work short.
We are short-staffed often .
Ashley talks about the burden of Covid-19 and how she emotionally copes…
I carried the burden of Covid-19 and my patients home with me.
I always took a few minutes alone in my car after a shift before going into my house to be with my family. I needed to reflect not only about what happened during my shift and with my patients, but also about how I was feeling.
It is so hard to leave it all behind and then be a wife and mom when just moments before I was holding the hand of a very sick person, holding the phone to a patient’s ear so a family member could talk to them. I felt guilty and very tired.
I remember how my family pulled together to help me cope.
I remember the support my work family… I know more about them than my own family because we spend so much time together, and care for each other. I love nursing.
I love being that light for a patient who may be having one of the worst days of their life, or who is feeling lonely and isolated because they cannot have a visitor.
I love being positive to help lift them up. I love doing whatever I can to help a patient endure the pain and suffering. I love when a critically ill Covid positive patient recovers enough to go home. I love meeting a patients’ family- to see them in person after seeing them on FaceTime as I helped their loved one communicate with them or as I held the phone to their ear…
I get strength from spending time with my family. They are my buffer and they protect and insulate me and my mental health.
I draw from that.
Nurses have all struggled with their mental health. Nurses are getting burned out.
Nurses need to cry when they need to without the fear of reprisal, and we need to share our fears and our struggles, not keep it inside, which is what we usually do.
